This post is also available in: Norwegian Bokmål
When you have been sick half your life, experienced a lot of negativity and resistance in life. When you think you can’t possibly have to experience another downturn there’s another, and another, and one more… When it never stops going down, what do you do then? Do you give up? Do you become upset? Do you become angry? Do you become pissed? Want to blame someone else? Or do you become bitter?
Are you sitting there feeling that «hmmm, I’m one of those, or maybe all of them». Do you know what? ALL of that is normal! Completely – we’re only human.
At least I have felt like that, and I did this weekend. I have done something I NEVER thought I would manage! I took action, did something that changed my life. Do you want to hear it? This isn’t easy, I can tell you that!
As everyone that follows my blog probably know I have a disease called Crohn’s Disease. A bowel disease. “For those who have not yet read everything on the blog before – see here. “This is my story” Part 3 of 10 parts” http://www.ingridanette.com/en/my-story-part-iii/ I have been so seriously ill I have had over 30 operations and have a colostomy. Something that isn’t always easy to live with. It has its benefits and disadvantages like anything else in live. It has its ups and downs. This is a disease that doesn’t show on the outside because it’s in my intestinal system. If you run to the bathroom 20-30 times a day, then maybe you can relate… If you take diarrhoea times a 100 you get Crohn’s. But you also have blood, slime and an incredible amount of pain. Cramps that reminds you of contractions. If you have been pregnant and had a child you know everything about contractions! It is horrible. You’re in bed, in the bathroom or on the couch in the foetal position until the next time you have to run to the bathroom. It really runs straight through you. You’re unable to go to school, work or be as social as you want to be. And you pull further and further away from those closest to you. Maybe you’re scared of telling them everything and only tell them half the truth because it’s too embarrassing to talk about. You try everything to be normal and like everyone else… Do you recognise yourself? That’s how my life was. I am going to take you back to when I was at school – when I was 16-17 years old. This is how it was at its worst. I had the most swollen face imaginable from all the medications I was on, and the rest of my body was all skin and bone. It was around that time I lost the most friends. They fell away one by one. This is really something I have taken with me through life. I have felt anger, sorrow and bitterness from being left when I needed them the most. Why did they do that? Wasn’t I worth shit to them? Were they that fake? Didn’t I know them at all?
So is it possible to walk around with the bitterness inside you, and the anger and sorrow taking over for 15 years? YES it is actually possible. It is so painful you can’t believe it! You feel so small and worthless. They have this power over you they don’t know about. Just to see them at the supermarket, on FB or other places makes me cry. I can walk big detours to not run into them, if I see them first. Why is it like that? We that were best friends before, shared everything and were together all the time. What happened?
So I’ve gone into myself a bit. Tried to put myself in their situation. What if I was the healthy one and had a friend that was seriously ill. How would I have behaved? Would I have understood? Would I have done everything right? Would I ask the right questions or been the «perfect» friend? When you can’t see on the outside that someone is sick, how will you understand everything… We were only 16-17 years old. Not even adults yet.
I can promise you I have really worked hard on myself, before sharing this with you. It isn’t easy… This brings back so many memories I had displaced, but I have realised that to move on with life I need to stop, think and work with myself and go deeper.
So in this case: try to understand, forgive and move on!
Unfortunately that is easier said than done! I have cried, been angry and so pissed I just wanted to punch someone in the face. This is of course something I would never do, but I have been so angry and upset that I’ve thought about it. Wished they would get the disease for a day or two so they could understand me. Yes it’s been complete madness and chaos in my head.
But then I got to a point in life where I realised, who does it help for me to walk around being bitter, angry or carry resentment towards other people for something that happened 15 years ago? NO-ONE, I can promise you that! But what do I do then? I decided to forgive and move on… Sounds simple, right?
But this will help you too if you carry something similar to what I was carrying. It is not good for your health to be bitter… Not to forget the time and energy invested in thinking about and avoiding these people. Understand – forgive – move on 🙂
So what happened to me… I ended up in a situation this weekend that changed me. I met one of my old friends; I walked into her just like that. I had no way out, she didn’t either. But we had to pass each other. I thought quickly and chose to say hi first. She blushed and looked down. A quiet «hi» came back. I thought I had the upper hand in the situation and felt good for about 2 seconds, but then my stomach started aching.
“THIS ISN’T YOU INGRID – YOU’RE NOT LIKE THIS! Just look, she’s not ok…”
I started chatting about the weather and such. Just about crap really, but how easy is it to talk after so many years… THAT’S WHEN IT HAPPENED – THE THING THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING… Without thinking I grabbed her and gave her a hug. It hurt and really I just wanted to punch her. But I held her, and you know what? She cried, I cried and no-one said a word. Not a single word was exchanged, but there and then the world changed. At least my world. A burden was lifted from my shoulders and from hers too it turned out. Who would’ve thought she had been suffering as much as me all these years. She was embarrassed and didn’t know how to get in touch with me. We have been almost seeing eye to eye the last few years, but nothing more than that. I always thought she was bitchy, superior and didn’t care. And she thought I was angry, hated her and didn’t want contact. That is why she has avoided me and me her. So when I managed to be an adult and put myself in the situation of being young and unknowing, when I managed to overcome my own fear of being rejected or let down again – look what happened…
A hug changed EVERYTHING …
We can’t judge people based on what they did once or twice when they were young. My god, everyone have their quota of stupid things. But what really is important in all this is that people handle things different ways! Some become scared and pull away. And that is what she did, she didnt understand the seriousness of it before she become an adult, and then it was «too late». When she saw how far I had come with my speeches and what I had gotten through and survived of pain and knock-downs since school she thought I didn’t want to have anything to do with her that “let me down” back then. People change, YES IT’S POSSIBLE!
It was a revelation for me and I feel much better about myself since then. I was scared there and then – but what was the worst that could’ve happened? That we continued down the road we were already on…?
I have used some techniques to get to where I am now. I can teach you these if you like? It doesn’t happen on its own, but when you have attended “the school of life” you carry some baggage, and you might have to take charge.
Take charge of your own life – and remember it is only YOU that can change your life… But it is NOT IMPOSSIBLE – you just have to believe 🙂
Take your time to listen to this song and listen to the text. Don `t give up … And when you‘ve heard done please leave a comment in the comment section or on FB …-make a difference–